Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
