My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
