went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
