WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
