Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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