Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
