First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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