If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
