my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How external is "for external use only"?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
