Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
