My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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