apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
