Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't think brook has ever known best
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
