you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
