Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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