i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
