the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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