It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
