i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
