Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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