a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
