I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
