Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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