I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
