bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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