i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
