The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This gyro tastes like lonliness
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
