it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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