I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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