If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
