This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
