saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
