Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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