dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
