I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its not stalking. its research.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
