i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
