my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
