i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
