Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
