I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
