super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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