Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
