Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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