I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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