I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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