I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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