Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
