How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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