Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
