I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
