The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
