question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
