What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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