super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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